<center><h1 class="special-elite">Reservoir, Soma</h1>
<div style="font-size: 60px;">[[▶︎|passage1]]</div></center>In September, I [[██ ███ ███ █████|passage2]].I had some anxiety about doing that. [[Mostly imagined|passage3]].But I know I made the right choice. I remember a storm rolled in that evening, and, laughing at it all in the rain, [[I made my peace|passage4]] with it.The good, true peace that [[only time can give|passage5]] you.It wouldn’t [[last|passage6]].<div style="opacity: 0.8;">(Her eyes crinkle, as if to say <i>‘[[How wrong you are|passage7]].’</i>)</div>There were still things I thought were worth [[salvaging|passage8]]. But I was adrift, between worlds.Some part of me—the same compulsive part that drove me to make ███ █████ in the first place—felt the need to reassert myself through those bits and pieces. I had just done something I was not proud of. I was lost and unsure of myself. I felt, you know, if there’s anything that would fix this, it’s being loud and unabashedly <i>me</i> again. I realized even at the time that this was irrational, but I felt that this poor facsimile of myself belonged to the world, now, and it bothered me. If I could be contrary and spiteful and make her belong to <i>[[me|passage9]]</i> again, then maybe I could be myself again.That’s the nature of ██. You [[bare your heart|passage10]], and it no longer belongs to you.People [[forget|passage11]] that there’s a human being behind the ██.The [[worst had yet to pass|passage12]], I take it.It became an obsessive compulsion. I would try to be this thing I used to be, but she would clam up. I tried to return to her roots, to the things that made me who I am today, but the things that compelled me then no longer had any appeal to me now. [[I tried|tried]] to do strange and new things, and at every turn I felt exhaustion breathing down my neck.I remember lying awake one night, in tears, using my inability to make meaningful headway as a [[bludgeoning instrument|passage14]] on myself.It wasn’t really her or ███ █████ or anything else that drove me down this spiral. I want to stress that, because these were poorly-timed events in my life, and I feel the need to make the distinction between them. It wasn’t that ███ █████ was gone, or that I had to get rid of it. I had done unambiguous wrong by people I care about and I felt nothing but relief saying 'goodnight' to it. If anything, it gave me [[closure|passage15]].I think it’s more like… Everything going on in the world made me slip into my worst habits—maybe even invent completely new and patently terrible ones. Maybe this little fragment of myself felt like the one thing in my life that I <<replacelink>>could control<<becomes>>[[should have been able to control|passage16]]<<endreplacelink>>.But I’ve never had this relationship with something I had created before—this compulsion to <<replacelink>>fix it<<becomes>>control it<<endreplacelink>>. I struggled to do any work at all. Usually this was the place that I ran to to make sense of the world, but now it disturbed me—and the fact that it disturbed me was almost more [[disturbing|fix]] in and of itself. I felt like—like a stranger [[puppeting around my own body|passage18]].<div style="font-size: 30px;"> [[...|passage19]] </div>A few weeks ago, I [[stopped|passage20]] myself.I had to stop. I [[quit|passage21]] thinking about it.I am still very lost, but at least I feel a little more [[myself|passage22]], now.<div style="font-size: 30px;"> ... [[...|passage23]] ... </div>The irony of ███ █████ causing my life to mimic my ██ is [[not lost on me|passage24]].I [[thought so|passage25]].Maybe one day I’ll be able to [[reprise|passage26]] it properly.I think you’ll find it's a [[poor substitute|passage27]] for the stories you’re telling now....Then maybe one day I’ll be able to [[articulate|passage28]] it.<div style="opacity: 0.8;">(You have. [[However flawed|passage29]], however incompletely. You have.) </div>On Tuesday I have a ███████ █ ██ ████. I’m going to ask my █████ about seeking [[███████|passage30]]. I want to [[get better|passage31]].We all do. [[We all do|end]].<center><h1 class="special-elite">End.</h1>
<div style="font-size: 60px;">[[⟳|begin]]</div></center>[[I tried and I tried and I tried and I tried.|passage13]]I couldn’t do this one simple thing. I had proven to myself that I was incompetent, I couldn’t be trusted. And now I couldn’t even [[fix this|passage17]].